EᑎᑎEᗩGᖇᗩᗰ ǪᑌEՏTIOᑎᑎᗩIᖇE
[PART 2 OF 3]
-- Prerequisites
What age range are you in?
15-24.
Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
I have suspicions about some things, but I will leave them out, since nothing’s been confirmed and I wouldn’t want them to corrupt the reader’s judgment.
-- Main Questions
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.
My life has no intrinsic meaning, nothing has? I’m in the process of figuring out what meaning or purpose I personally want to attach it to. The thing that primarily drives me in life is my pursuit of knowledge and trying to reach my full potential. Growth!
2. What were you like as a kid?
As a kid, I was very straightforward. Head-strong. Independent. I would get in trouble for being ‘mean’, ‘bossy’, doing or saying things considered ‘inappropriate for kids’. . . I never understood what I did wrong, but feedback I got as a kid really influenced me, and continues to do so to this day. Aside from that, I was really studious; I loved going to school and took it very seriously. Later in my childhood, I became more of a people-pleaser at school/with friends, but would be very insolent at home and would be very forceful about having things go my way . . . That’s most of the things I remember.
3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?
Semi-vent (Feel free to skip)
--Mom (ISTJ):
I had a very complicated relationship with my mom starting from ages 12 to 16, which is normal in puberty I guess but, nah, I couldn’t stand her. She was always so forceful-- I felt like she paraded me like a trophy ‘model child’. Attributed all of my personal talents/accomplishments to herself. Minimised my mental health issues or blatantly treated them as childish tantrums. However, with growing older, you sympathise more with your parents. Their own past, personal struggles, psychology and personalities. You grow more empathetic. Now she’s my best friend, despite our differences, I admire her so much. What usually stands out to me is how we seem radically opposite to one another, and how we both try really hard to not cross each other’s boundaries or upset one another. She no longer tries to make me a copy of herself and I am less forceful/insensitive about the way she approaches things.
--Dad (ENFP/ENTP):
I’m my daddy’s keeper, lmao. We just always understood each other. We were very similar. On the other hand, he’s very hard to deal with sometimes. He doesn’t listen very much, he’s too principled and always thinks he’s right. He is far less prone to change of behaviour and consequently growth, ironically, but he tries. On one hand, my mom cares so much it’s almost suffocating, whereas my dad does the bare minimum and clearly values his own sense of freedom the most-- even if he might not realise it. Still, my dad understands my spiritual unwell-being (HAHA, I didn’t know how else to word it) in a way my mother for example, never has. I would be a lot closer to my dad if only he wasn’t so avoidant. Or if he would let me contribute to conversation, in other ways than always being on the listening end, if that makes sense. What stands out in the way me and my dad interact is that; my dad understands my desire for autonomy and lets me have it. He trusts in my abilities and life trajectory. In many ways, I relate to him a lot, as he does to me. It’s almost like we live parallel lives. Aside from that, I have a hard time differentiating if he’s either too focussed on his self-preservation or genuinely convinced he deserves a place only on the sidelines in other’s lives, which is also one of the many things I find relatable in him . . .
I love my parents. Could you tell? They’ve had quite the peculiar lives so I pretty much don’t blame them for any of their perceived shortcomings, or at least try not to hold it against them.
4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?
I value . . . understanding, truth, growth. I hope to avoid being . . . I don’t know, being useless? Disagreeable? And too detached from reality.
5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?
I think I’ve experienced a lot of losses as a kid. Not any major ones (like traumatic deaths or something), but, like; good friends, a lot of pets (chinchillas, dogs), parent figures (stepparents) for reasons at the time, I couldn’t explain . . . and generally had a shaky relationship with abandonment. My dad too, would come and go inconsistently: would disappear out for years on end and would reappear out of the blue, never acknowledging his absence. Lastly, I struggled a lot with emotions. I would bottle them up a lot as they would often be misunderstood or vilainised-- not very much accepted. Therefore I guess I fear abandonment primarily as well as not having the upper-hand on my emotions; not having a handle on them and letting them devour me from the inside out. I guess both these fears are still going strong.
My fear of abandonment has caused me to essentially become a very one-dimensional character in other people’s lives, avoiding getting too attached/tethered to people in any way. I’m a classic fearful-avoidant with anxious-avoidant tendencies (when I was younger). As for the one concerning my emotions, I usually hide them away, don’t share them with anyone unless I understand them thoroughly. Other than that, I generally fiercely reject any feeling of shame/guilt or let them overwhelm me completely.
6. a.) How do you see yourself? b.) How do you want others to see you? c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?
--How I see myself
I don't. It's no bother really. I see myself as I am for now. . .
--How I want others to see me
Perhaps as someone that is worthy of trust? Someone that is friendly and has a lot of 'potential'.
--Dislikes in other people
Arrogance, radicalism/splitting, inauthenticity, irrationality, superficiality, possessiveness and/or neediness, performativity, hypocrisy, dishonesty . . .
7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others. № 1
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you. № 3
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else. № 2
8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?
My wandering mind can take me to any place. It can be to a void of silent thought, fantastical scenarios, desired scenarios, rewritten memories . . . The wandering mind projects me to alternate or parallel universes. I’m not sure what provokes it? Intrusive ideas and thoughts mostly, but also boredom, I guess.
9. What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?
--Best
A sense of freedom and opportunity. Accomplishment. Discovery. Knowledge expansion. Rest. . .
--Worst
Failure. Expectations and obligations. Time slipping through my fingers . . .
10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion: a.) anger b.) shame c.) anxiety
--Anger
Causes: Thoughtless statements, injustice, forcefulness, being robbed of making a certain decision, being 'judged without trial'.
My anger resembles indignation or contempt more-- It’s not usually the harsh, face read, steamy ears kind of anger. It’s a silent killer. Other times it can burst like a volcano, although much less common, at which point everyone should stay at a safe distance of a minimum 200 m radius of me, lmao.
--Shame
Causes: Making mistakes, making wrong judgments, realising I’m not as good/brilliant as I hoped . . . being 'wrong', overall.
When I feel ashamed, I just hide away and burry my head in the sand. I might pretend nothing is going on, but I’m cringing on the inside, lol.
--Anxiety
Causes: Too much external pressure, expectations, responsibility, having to take concrete action (towards something), having to perform/prove my capacities, obligations . . .
When under pressure, I just withdraw within myself and basically bail on life, lol. I do try to sort my issues, but I basically become inert. Constantly reflecting, thinking, being taken in impractical ideas.
11. Describe how you respond to the following: a.) stress, b.) negative unexpected change, c.) conflict
--Stress
In part one of this questionnaire I laid out everything.
--Negative, unexpected change
This is something that tends to frustrate me a lot. I can get annoyed, but my first instinct is just to adapt an move on.
--Conflict
Silence is golden. I do think I try to handle conflict maturely, with composure and transparency. I don’t want it to drag out past what’s necessary or allow it to escalate.
12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why? b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why? c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?
--My role in a group
I just take any role that’s available, honestly. I valued a sense of leadership in the past, since I always thought I was most adequate for it, but got too self-conscious about the (implicit) negative feedback. Now I’m more comfortable watching from the sidelines.
--When in power. . .
I'd strive for, and unconsciously demand perfection. Some tyrannic tendencies here and there? (˵ ͡⚆ ͜ʖ ͡⚆˵)
--Others with authority over me
I struggle with this immensely. I’m not sure why. I don’t like to take orders from people, especially not if it comes from a place of overestimating one's own authority-- a feeling of superiority. I don't like demands from others that make me feel compromised. I'd fret thinking "I don't owe anyone anything", then I would still obey for some reason. Don't want to rock the boat after all. When requests are reasonable and well-expressed, I do comply. Otherwise, I’ll just get really frustrated. I don’t like it.
13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?
Manipulation and performativity. Things that are out of place. Escape routes, solutions or alternatives. I think?
14. Comment on your relationship with trust.
Depends. I rely on my intuition to tell me who or what is worthy of trust.
15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?
None? I’m not very religiously or politically aware. I’m not very involved in either of those subjects for the time being.
-- Optional Question (due to personal nature)
Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.
Semi-vent (feel free to skip)
My former best-friend that ghosted me. At first, I thought they were taking time for themselves, which I encouraged. Then, they got harder and harder to reach. When we ended up meeting up eventually, it was like we were strangers. Our 2 years of friendship seemed to have been completely undone. After that, we never spoke or saw each other again. I tried to understand, and when I couldn't I pretended to be better off without them, like I was completely okay with it, but I really wasn’t. I would get angry, then would feel guilty, then would bomb them with texts: angry ones ,and then sad ones to apologise for the angry ones. They never responded.
Since I never got clear answers as to what happened or why they decided to take such a radical decision, I never completely processed it. I basically theorised the shit out of it to the point of driving myself to a lot of anguish, guilt and shame. However, with all the reflection I think it made me a better person, maybe? The whole ordeal made me realise how much I need closure, how sensitive I am to the sensation of being rejected. As for what it taught me about people, it is that, even the people closest to you are really just strangers. You'd think this is self-explanatory and obvious, but just wait and see. It can really hit out of the blue, and hard. Aside from that, I learnt to be more compassionate, accepting of things as they are, and that I should trust my intuition more often, and stop assuming “I’m probably wrong”.
-- Extra Questions
Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? And briefly state why.
-- To constantly push yourself to be “the best” (E3?)
5 out of 10: (I might be in denial HAHA) As much as I can be a perfectionist and want to do things right or not do them at all, I don't think I want to be the best, per se? I just want to achieve my own standards of competency. This answer doesn't seem genuine though, so I'm probably in denial 💀
-- To be without needs, well-intentioned (E2?)
7 out of 10: I want to make my own life and that of others easier. I ask nothing from others, and expect the same in return. I act with good intention, or keep to myself if I don't understand my motives.
-- To replace direct experience with concepts (E5?)
6 out of 10: I've stated in other questionnaires that I abstract my personal experiences sometimes or apply concepts to my direct experience. However, I'm not sure I do it that often, it's more subconscious I guess.
-- To have an extreme sense of personal moral obligation (E1?)
5 out of 10: Eh. I only care about my own personal integrity. Showing discernment and not being a hypocrite. Other than that, I don't feel a personal obligation towards anything, really.
-- To think that fulfilment is somewhere else (E7? E9?)
6 out of 10: I think fulfilment is to be sought out. Wether that be through seeking yourself, seeking knowledge, seeking fullness in connection . . . It is "somewhere else" but it is me who is responsible for it, if that makes sense? That's the nuance. As much as I hope fulfilment finds me, I'm aware that I have my own duty to make it come to fruition.
-- To cyclically become indecisive and seek others for reassurance (E6?)
5 out of 10: I have my moments. I only seek reassurance from people I deeply trust. Other times, I genuinely want to give the impression that I know what I'm doing at all times, that I don't need anyone's help.
-- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself (E4?)
6 out of 10: On occasion, I can throw myself in fantastical scenarios and test my reactions, unlocking new personal perspectives and insight. "Huh, so that's how it would be? That's how I am?" I wouldn't say I overuse it though. Perhaps that is biased, who knows.
-- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself (E2? E6? E9?)
8 out of 10: I have a hard time explaining this one. Conflict just drains me, it's not worth it. I do what's in my power to avoid it, unless it's (extremely, and very obviously) necessary.
-- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient (E5/E8?)
10 out of 10: I am entirely self-sufficient, what do you mean? ┌(▀Ĺ̯▀)┐
What's something you are: a.) thankful you have b.) wish you could have? Why?
--I'm thankful for . . .
Everything and nothing. I'm grateful for being alive, I guess.
--I wish for . . .
A sense of self, discipline and stability. These are things I lack but deem necessary to progress in life. I’m not sure that I’ll go far in life without either of those, even if I do, whatever I’ve built for myself would probably crumble easily. . .
You made it! Thank you for reading. ( ｰ̀֊ｰ́)و