No Matter What

Y/n’s Pov:

“Y/n, babe. Are you done?” Kat asks from outside of my stall.

“Umm, no. Not yet. It’s ok. You can go on out without me. I’ll be out in a minute,” I say as I bite at my nail.

“Are you sure, sweetie? I can wait,” Kat says and I shake my head at her. “Sweetie?” Kat asks when I don’t respond.

“No. No. I should be ok,” I say as I realize she couldn’t see me shaking my head at her.

“Ok. Well, I’ll see you out there, then,” she says and nods again.

“Ok. See you out there,” I say to her before I hear the door open and close.

I let out a sigh and quickly try to finish up. Just as I’m about to walk out, I hear the door open and close again. As I grab my bag and start to open the stall, I hear two girls giggling. I walk out of the stall and see one girl go into another stall as the other one stands by the mirror next to the towel dispenser. I then walk up to the sink and try hard not to look into the mirror, knowing it’ll only freak me out. After washing my hands, I walk over to get a towel and make eye contact with the girl that’s standing by the dispenser. She gives me a light smile and I smile back. I then throw my napkin away and head to the bathroom door, but I forget about not looking in the mirror. As I open the door, I catch sight of myself in the mirror and I freeze.

“Hey, are you ok?” One of the girls asks and I jump as she touches my shoulder.

“Ahh. Yeah, I’m ok. Umm… thank you,” I say and she nods before I bolt out to the front of the restaurant.

“You're welcome!” she shouts down the hallway even though I’m already gone. At the end of the hallway I turn the corner to head to the table where everyone is waiting for me, but I bump into someone.

“Hey, lil sis. You ok?” Corey asks and I quickly nod as I put on a smile. I know he’ll believe me because he’s believed it so many times before.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just wanna get home,” I say and he nods. After growing up with Corey I know exactly how to make him believe whatever I say.

“Ok. I’ll see you at home. I’m assuming you’ll be riding with Colby?” he asks and I nod. He nods as he walks past me to the bathroom and I approach the table, where I notice everyone getting ready to leave. Colby stands up and smiles when he sees me.

“Are you riding with me or your brother?” Colby asks as I grab my bag.

“You,” I say and he nods as he grabs my hand.

“Hey. You ok? You seem upset, baby,” he says and I nod at him.

“I’m good. Just want to be home,” I say and he nods before leading me out of the restaurant to his car. We get into the car and he starts it up, then pulls out of his parking spot. He drives and holds my hand all the way home. Once we park, I unbuckle but before I can open my door, Colby pulls me back into the car.

“Babe. Are you ok? You seem quieter than normal,” Colby says with a worried look as I look back at him.

“Yeah. I’m fine. Can we please just go inside?” I say as my panic slowly continues to rise to a point where I don’t think I can hide it anymore.

“Of course,” he says quietly and I nod before getting out. I go to walk into the trap house, but soon I realize Colby’s not following me. I turn back to see him still sitting in his seat in the car, just staring forward with a pensive look on his face. With a sigh, I go and open my door again so I can talk to him.

“Colby… what’s wrong?” I ask, even though I clearly know what’s up. “Huh? Oh. Nothing, go inside. I’ll go in in a bit,” he says, but I shake my head.

“No. Something is wrong. Tell me,” I say and he puts on a smile. “Nothing’s wrong. See? I promise I’ll be inside in a minute,” he says, making me sigh.

“Ok. If you say so…” I say before I close my car door once again and walk into the house. I probably should have stayed and made sure he’s fine, but with my own anxiety, I can’t think about being the one to be comforting right now. I immediately avoid everyone in the kitchen area, going straight upstairs to our room. Once inside, I pull my shoes off and let my bag hang as I walk over to the closet. I first hang up my bag, then put my shoes on my shelf before looking for one of Colby’s shirts to steal. After finding his biggest shirt, I look for some of his basketball shorts that are super baggy on me. I quickly change into his comfy clothes, then walk into the bathroom and grab a makeup wipe. As I finish washing my face in the bathroom, I hear our room’s door close and I jump when arms wrap around me. A shirtless Colby nuzzles his head in the crook of my neck and I just stand there, enjoying his embrace.

“Babe. You're shaking…” Colby says and I nod.

“I’m just a little cold, that’s all,” I say, but Colby frowns almost like he knows I’m lying to him.

“You wanna go lay down?” Colby asks as he forgets about our last few statements before he steps away from me.

“Yeah, give me a second though. I wanna grab a sweater,” I say and he nods before slowly leaving the bathroom. Soon I walk into the closet and grab the biggest sweater I can find. I then walk out to our bed and lay down next to Colby.

“Babe…” Colby says as I cuddle up to him and tears well up in my eyes, but I try not to let them out. “Nugget, are you sure you're ok? You only ever wear baggy clothes to bed when you’re in the midst of a panic attack…” Colby says and just like that, my will to hold it all back vanishes as I start to cry. “Oh, sweetheart. Why’d you not say anything? I could have helped you from the start. I thought we agreed last time that you’d tell me when you start to feel this way?” Colby says as he pulls me into his embrace.

“We did, but I didn’t wanna bother you and you should leave me cause you can do 100% better than me,” I say as I start to cry harder and he just pulls me into him more.

 “Oh baby….” he says as he holds the back of my neck close to his shoulder and rubs my back with his other. “You will never be a bother to me. I will always be here for you, I’m not leaving,” he says before he kisses my forehead and just holds me. “Hey. Let’s go though your grounding methods, babe,” Colby says and I shake my head no at him.

“Come on honey, we gotta get you to stop crying or you’ll get sick and I don’t want you to get sick,” Colby says and I sigh.

“Yeah. Cause if I get sick you’ll have even more on your plate,” I say in an even more upset tone.

“No. I don’t mean it like that, babe. I just mean I don’t like to see you sick. If you were, I’d gladly take care of you any day,” Colby says with a sad look and I immediately start crying harder again. “Come on. Let’s start by naming five things around the room that you see,” Colby says as he rubs my back some more.

“Ok…. uhh, your rose tattoo,” I start off and Colby nods.

“That’s one,” he says as he counts off for me.

“Umm…. Your....l-laptop….” I say, pointing over to it with a shaking finger.

“Ok. That’s two. Good,” he says as I continue to look around.

“Y….y…your record player,” I say and he nods encouragingly at me.

“Three,” he says with a nod.

“Umm…. Your lock heart tattoo,” I say, making Colby smile and chuckle as he continues to rub my back.

“Four,” Colby continues to count out.

“The c..camera,” I say and Colby looks over to see it on the table.

“Shoot. I forgot to put it away. I’ll do it later. Five. Good job, baby,” Colby says more to himself than me before he kisses my cheek. “Now, feel four things,” Colby says as he continues to coach me though.

I then quietly reach out and touch the blankets on the bed. Then I hold my hand out and Colby gives me a questioning look, but soon he realizes why I’m holding mine out. He then places one of his hands in mine and I squeeze it then I start to play with his fingers as he chuckles. Usually I’d play with his rings, but he hasn’t really been wearing them lately so it’s just his hand this time. I then reach up and at first Colby’s confused again, but as soon as my hand lands in his hair, his expression quickly changes from confused to a wide grin. He closes his eyes for a minute as I run my hands through his hair and he lets out a sigh of content. I sit there for a minute still just rubbing his scalp as he kisses my cheek every few minutes. After doing that for a bit, I then grab his arm and rub his arm tattoos and again he smiles widely.

“You really like my tattoos tonight, don’t you baby?” Colby asks with a chuckle and I shake my head no at him.

“No. It’s because they’re on you. It’s you I really like tonight,” I say with as much love as I can express.

“Just tonight?” he says with a chuckle as he lightly pokes me.

“Colby.... you know what I mean!” I say and he chuckles again before giving me a light kiss.

“I know, babe. I’m just messing with you,” he says before he lays his head against my shoulder, giving it a light peck though the sweater and shirt.

“Ok, babe. You know what comes next,” he says as he starts to rub my lower back again.

“Oh. Ok. I hear crickets….” I say and he nods, encouraging me to go on. “I hear you breathing…” I say and again he chuckles.

“Is that so?” he asks and I nod.

“I now hear your voice….” I say and he only laughs again.

“Babe. Do you even realize you’re naming almost everything about me?” he asks as he laughs and for the first time since we got home, I smile. It’s a small one, but at least it’s still there.

“That’s because you're my favorite thing in the whole world…” I say in a light whisper and he smiles before giving me another kiss.

“And you are mine. Now two things you can smell,” he says and I nod.

“Umm… your body wash,” I say and he chuckles.

“I would hope so. I took a shower today,” he says and I finally let out a little laugh at him.  “And the candle you lit,” I say and he looks over at it before looking back at me.

“Guess I forgot to put it out earlier, huh? Oh well, at least the house didn’t burn down,” he says and again I let out another laugh, a little louder than before.

“I told you to blow it out,” I say and he shrugs. Silence then falls over us and I slowly start to feel panicked again. As I start to feel more and more panic rise, I do the last thing my mind can think of to try to distract myself. I pull Colby close to me and start kissing him like my life depends on it. At first Colby is a little shocked, but he soon melts and starts to kiss me back. Next thing I know he’s pulling me into his lap as the kiss gets a little more heated. He pokes his tongue out and licks my bottom lip. I open my mouth and our tongues start to fight each other in a very heated battle for dominance. I run my hands through his hair and he lets out a soft groan as he puts his hand just under my shirt on my waist. Then suddenly I start to feel utterly gross in my own skin, so I break the kiss and slide off of him.

“Babe. What was that all about?” Colby asks as he wipes at the corner of his lips a little.

“The last thing on the five methods is one thing I can taste…. so….” I say, trailing off and he chuckles.

“You could have warned me. Although it was still nice. We haven’t had a full blown make-out session for a while,” he says as I curl up with a nod.

“Baby. What is it? You're curling in again,” he says as I continue to look away from him so he won’t see my tears.

“It….it’s n…n…nothing….” I say as I shake my head. He scoots closer to me and wraps his arms around me before pulling my face towards him. I don’t fight him, seeing as I don’t have the power in me to, and when he gets a glimpse of my face he sucks in a breath. “Babe. What happened?” he asks and I shrug.

“I’m not the girl for you, that’s what. I’m far too skinny and I’m just a burden to you. You shouldn’t have a girl who comes home crying all the time, let alone a girl who just freaks out at her own image,” I voice my insecurities and his face falls as he grabs my face in both of his hands.

“Y/n, that couldn’t be farthest from the truth. You are beautiful, and as for your body dysmorphia, as far as I’m concerned it makes you even more beautiful,” he says and my face clearly scrunches up in confusion.

“How does it make me more beautiful? Huh, Colby? That I cry for hours cause I hate my body?!” I start to feel heat rise in my cheeks. But I’m not mad at him, never at him. It’s just so hard to live in fear of yourself all the time.

“No, babe. I don’t mean it like that. I just mean that all our fears make us who we are and that’s always beautiful. Your fears are beautiful to me because they’re part of you,” he says as he again holds my face in his hands.

“Are you sure? You could have so much better,” I say and try to look away from him, but he pulls my face back. Before I know it, we’re kissing again and he’s holding me tightly, his hold strong and firm almost as if he’s trying to ground me. It gets heated again and soon I find our tongues fighting for dominance once again. I then let out a light moan when Colby pulls away and I chase his lips for a moment before he puts his forehead to mine.

“I don’t ever want to hear you say that again. Do you hear me? You're the best out there, baby,” he says and I look away only for him to pull my head back again. “Do you hear me? I don’t want better. You are the best out there,” he says and I blush, making him chuckle. “Why are you so good to me?” I ask and he chuckles again. “Because like I said, you are the best and I love you,” he says, making me blush some more and he kisses my cheek.

“Hey. You’ve had a really rough night, let's get some sleep, yeah?” he says and I nod before he pulls us into a comfier position. My head lands on his chest and he kisses my forehead before pulling me a little closer. I nuzzle into him as he rubs my arm almost like he’s trying to keep me warm.

“Goodnight sweetie. I love you,” he says as he gives my forehead another kiss.

“Goodnight my love. I love you too,” I say quietly before my eyes start to close. Soon I’m fully asleep with Colby holding me protectively as I sleep soundly throughout the night.

The End…