EᑎᑎEᗩGᖇᗩᗰ ǪᑌEՏTIOᑎᑎᗩIᖇE
[PART 3 OF 3]
How do you respond to feelings of anger? Are these often very apparent, or more suppressed? Why or why not?
I have said in past questionnaires that my anger is more a “I can’t believe you’ve done this” kind of thing. It can manifest in blatant indignation or just kind of simmer on the inside. Usually, I wouldn’t say it’s externally apparent unless I want it to be. Another reason why I repress anger is because I rarely feel it is justified, or I could feel really guilty after expressing it. Therefore, I repress it, take it out on myself or accidentally blast on whoever is unfortunate enough to be in my vicinity in an anger explosion (very rare though).
Do you ever feel the need to be in control? Why or why not? What is your relationship to authority?
The only thing I value some sense of control over, is my emotions, my accomplishments and how I am perceived by others. I need to keep my emotions under my thumb at all times; they corrupt my judgment, push me to become overly whimsical and overall make me feel ridiculous. I value a sense of control over my accomplishments and what I am able to achieve in life, simply because I want to make good use of this single lifetime, use my time wisely. As for how I am perceived by others, I am usually afraid that what I say/do would get falsely interpreted and result in unfair/inconsequential treatment or a corrupted idea of who I am . . .
As for my relationship to authority, I don’t know? That one is more difficult to explain. I’m rather indifferent to authority. Sometimes I fear their power though, which is why I am generally compliant and focussed on entertaining a good relationship with them, avoiding negative repercussions.
What brings you the most shame or guilt in your life? What is your relationship to shame?
--The things that bring me guilt
How dismissive I can be, how uncertain/insecure I get about things, how I never seem to know the right thing to say/do, how I essentially only look out for myself, how little I understand myself sometimes . . . A lot of things, honestly.
--The things that bring me shame
I’m not sure what kind of relationship I entertain with shame. I just think it’s something so unnecessary and limiting, that hurts deeply and distorts. I resent it, honestly. I push it to the depths of my consciousness, I refuse to look it in the eye. The thing that makes me most ashamed though, in broad terms, is 'wrong judgment'.
Do you feel the need to be deeply seen, loved, or accepted for who you are? If so, what do you do to receive love from others? Elaborate.
--Necessity to be seen
Feeling deeply seen can be both comforting as it can be terrifying, from my experience. I prefer picturing being seen by that special someone, than actually being seen? It’s just deeply uncomfortable.
--Necessity to be loved
I value a sense of being loved or rather, appreciated. Naturally. I wouldn’t say it’s my top-priority in life though. Generally speaking, people need some kind of level of love/ affection to be content?
--Necessity to be accepted
Being accepted is the most important to me, from this 'list'. I tend to think to myself: "if only I would be accepted as I am, I would actually be able to be as I am', if that makes sense.
The things I do to receive love? Nothing? HAHA. I genuinely don’t think I actively set out to do things with the intention of being loved. For the sake of being more concrete, my love language consists of; showing concern, remain unassuming, acts of service, and making someone see themselves the way I see them. I suppose that is what I do to "receive love from others". The love I seek is that of acceptance and parallelism.
How do you respond to feelings of fear? Are these often apparent or more suppressed, elaborate.
I take my feelings of fear very seriously. It’s not unusual for me to bail on whatever causes fear, run the opposite direction. That, or I could turn my fear into assertiveness, use it to push me forward. I wouldn’t say my fear is very apparent if at all, but it’s definitely there.
Do you have a strong concern for safety, how do you achieve safety?
I am not very concerned with safety unless it is threatened to be taken away, if that makes sense? It’s the kind of thing I don’t realise matters to me until is gets stripped away. I don’t really take active measures to maintain security, but I look for different ways to obtain it.
Are you a creature of habit? Elaborate.
Not really. In a way, the only habit I have is having no habit. When I think of habits I think of 'routine'. Those repetitive rituals to get a sense of functioning. Wether that be waking up at a certain time, having a specific order to things, going to the gym after class/work etc.The only habit I have is brushing my teeth and showering everyday. Even those can be left out if the time isn’t right I.e. when I get struck with inertia and laziness seeped into my bloodstream. . . So, no. I wouldn't say I'm a creature of habit. I do recognise the value of habits, but I'm bad at their maintenance.
Do you feel a certain need to always mediate your individuality with what the external world requires? That is, is it difficult for you to be 100% authentic in your actions, thoughts and self expression? Why?
Yes, I do water myself down, make myself easier to swallow. I never want to seem ‘odd’ or ‘out of place’. So, I adapt and consider it as a courtesy to the world/others, when really it’s self-preservation. The thing is, I never know when I am being authentic. Even now as I’m writing this, I worry that what I’m saying is not in the least true and that I will regret saying it in 5. 4. 3. 2 . . . 1. That’s why at the end of the day, I feel more comfortable not saying anything really. I know it might not look it, my thoughts have to go somewhere . . . Rather here, than out there.
Do you often seek an unattainable ideal only to be met with disappointment? Is there always something more needed to get what’s most satisfactory or ideal for you? Develop further.
I used to. But I’m happy that I’m slowly letting go of that necessity to be perfect, better, smarter etc. All I want now is to get to know myself. I do still agree that I am a perfectionist. It seems I can never reach that thing I’m aiming for, or in the end am never satisfied enough with the results. But, again, I’m starting to grow out of that. Slowly but surely.
Do you usually find it easy to express your needs, ask for help or recognise your dependence on something or someone? Why or why not?
I find it very difficult to assert myself. Sometimes I feel guilty when I do, like I did something wrong . . . I rarely ask for help, unless there’s no other option. As for recognising dependence, I’d say that’s one of my super-powers. I notice addiction, or when something becomes slightly too important, slightly too close to my centre. . . At which point I’ll just go cold-turkey.
How do you avoid criticism and rejection? Are these things you feel strongly about avoiding?
I accept it without fuss or hackle, almost eagerly. Or. . . I completely negate it (as in blocking it from my mind). I try to avoid rejection more than I try to avoid criticism, since I feel more strongly about rejection. I tend to feel dejected when having a sense of rejection. Not instantly, in fact, rejection has an incubation time of say. . . 3 to 4 days? I don't feel much about it until it really sinks in and I start to overthink all the reasons 'why'. Ugh, it's honestly so lame.
Come to think of it though, I think my battle against criticism is just more subtle. . . Therefore, I feel equally as strongly about avoiding both of them, I think?
What is your relationship with trust and vulnerability? Do you find it difficult or easy to trust others? Elaborate.
I find trust and vulnerability difficult to navigate. It’s a one way street, I get a lot of traffic in, but very little out; I want the people I care about to feel comfortable enough to confide in me, however I don't open up very much myself. I'm open to other people's wounds, so long as they don't expect me to mend them. I tend to be picky about sharing my emotions with people, since I tend to regret doing so if it ever comes to that point. In a way, I irrationally feel 'punished' for expressing feelings, my punishment being shame and remorse.
About trust; the amount of trust I put in people is completely random, or so it seems. I rely on gut feeling to trust/not trust people. When there is that gut crunch, I find it very easy to trust, and it may look like blind trust/faith. When it is absent, it is rather difficult to earn my trust I think.